Wednesday, March 31, 2010


I have been watching a lot of Netflix movies. I watched a documentary today called "the farmer#s wi*fe" and it was very interesting. In this film there was a couple who had married young and began farming right away. They started a family right away as well.

After they were married a few years, the weather caused their crop to be bad, for years. They continued to struggle and their marriage suffered as well. He was a very very hard worker. And she cleaned houses 2 days a week while her older two kids were in school. She was bitter about having to work and not be a stay at home mom. Needless to say, most of his thoughts were about the farm but he also worked a full time job on the side so they could afford to eat! They had no clue about finances but finally she started learning about the farm finances once they were about to lose everything. She also started school in order to get an associates in business.

The thing is through the entire documentary she blamed him for her not being able to be a stay at home mom. She was upset he was so fixated on the farm. Her family members(brothers and sisters) were highly successful and were not happy about her being so poor and they let her know it all the time. The more she listened to them, the more she began to be negative towards her husband. He went to counseling with her because she wanted him to and their marriage did get better.
For awhile.

I read (after I watched this documentary) that they got divorced shortly after it aired. It made me a little sad. Not only for them but for their kids as well. I think they really loved each other but finances and things that were said had taken their toll.

Anybody who is married, or has been married, knows it is hard. Sometimes I lose my shit on my husband. He has a lot of health problems, mainly his back. His last MRI showed cracks in his lower vertebrae. Where this woman got frustrated because her husband did not spend enough time with his kids, I feel the same way but for completely different reasons. My husband cannot physically do a lot due to his back, and her husband was breaking his back to try to make a go of the farm and also work a full time job. To me he was quite a man but she always wanted more. Yet I know how hard it is to have financial problems.

Hopefully they are both in a much better place with their new spouses..both have remarried. He is still farming and she is working for the farm tax department. I guess what I am saying is we all have our battles and it is up to us how to deal with them. My husband and I are doing well and I am receiving more understanding from him on how I feel. I am also less stressed because I am home full time (for now) and I have free time just to do what I want for a change!!

We will see what the future holds, sometimes we just never know.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Last days

Tomorrow is my last day at work. I can't help but be excited and also a little sad.
I got married right after I started working here.
Had both of my babies while working here.
I have gone through a lot of changes and growing up as I have worked here over the years.
To think I was 21 when I started working here. Hubs and I were newly in love.
Now I am soon to be 37 and I have learned a lot in the last 15 1/2 years.

I have learned that people are fickle.
Watch who you befriend because they can take things you tell them in confidence and use them against you.
If there are one or two people you can trust, feel blessed.
Stay out of the drama.
It took me awhile to learn this one but now I stay out of the drama and my life is a lot easier!

When I find a new job I plan on staying pretty much to myself and not getting too close to my coworkers for a long time, if ever.
Women are snakes!

Sunday, March 21, 2010

I got my way after all!

I am so excited!! I was invited by a friend to visit on Easter and have a big dinner with her family. I told my husband and he had a huge fit! He said, "We are going to Mom's"
So I had decided I would see my friend another time.

However, my mother in law called me today and said she wanted to do Easter on Saturday, not Sunday!
So now I am going to both.
Woo freaking hoo!

Nanny nanny boo boo hubs!

I am off the next two days and my last day to work is this Thursday.
Then I am planning on changing a lot of things, including my weight.
I want to get healthier. I am excited!

Saturday, March 20, 2010


Things are going well here. Other than this crazy cold spell we have again in Tx. I didn't even go out all day today. My Mom called and told me about my two crazy brothers, both have been in jail and I am so over their sorry asses.

I want to ask her, "Where were you when I needed you? Hell, I had to grow up at a very young age because we were fucking homeless at 15." My sister was molested for years by our stepdad. Unbeknownst to me, and why she never told me I will never understand.

But my sorry loser brothers get all the attention. They have both been offered chance after chance after chance. They have both been to rehab. Neither of them will work or do anything to make an effort. They only think of themselves! I am just tired of them.

I have helped both of them financially but I am done. I work and I will take care of me and mine and they need to get a life and get a JOB!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Last days

As of next week, I will be unemployed. It has been a long run. 15+ years at this job. I married my husband while working here and I had both of my babies and came back to work 6 weeks later. I have had days when I loved this job and days when I hated it (or should I say the people I work with). It has been a good ride.
Now it is time to get off this ride and start all over again somewhere else.
I hope the next one lasts the rest of my life.
I am not liking this change too much!

Today they fed us Mexican food.
We had a good time.
I will miss it.

Monday, March 15, 2010

I'm back!

Gosh, I haven't posted here in so long. I hate it when people apologize for not posting so I won't do that.

Wow, a lot has been going on. They did not have the funeral til' last Thursday. She did not look that good, you could see bruises under her makeup where they tried to work on her. I am pretty sure she overdosed on pain meds.

My brother left for several days and my Mom and I tried to visit Laura's family and help the kids out when needed. The service was sad and a little crazy. Then Laura's sister posted pics on Facebook of her in her casket.

Things are finally back to normal at my house. I tell my kids they need to stop misbehaving and appreciate me more, we just never know when it is our time to go!

Friday, March 5, 2010

Marriage and Death

Things are better.

Hubs is making an effort.
We will see what happens.

Dealing with a death in the family right now so I am just going to be there for my brother and his kids. His ex wife passed this morning and she was only 33.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Love is...

I am listening to music, Shakira's "Underneath Your Clothes". It is making me cry. I know that I love my husband and I know his heart.
Sometimes you get lost in life.
It is hard.

During the difficult times with my crazy family, this man has had my back. He has held me when I cried, he has been there for me thru my crazy ass antics, and my family's too.

I miss how things were when we met. Hell, we were 21, so in love, and nobody could tell us anything. We married after 3 short months and had a baby the next year. It was hard, but we made it.

It is still hard.
There are days when I wonder if we will make it.
And there are others when I know we will.
I am taking it one day at a time.

It is not easy.
I have reached out.
I have pulled back.
I am waiting patiently.
We will see how things go but I am leaving it in God's hands.
I have prayed about things and I feel at peace.

Can love conquer all?
We shall see.

Love is powerful.
Love is hard as hell at times too.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Up in the air

I just wanted to say that I know I go back and forth on my marriage!
My husband is perfectly happy if his world is okay. He shows me love all the time, but he is just lazy as hell.

I am not a quitter. I do not want a divorce. I want things to change.
I have suggested counseling but he refuses.

What am I supposed to do??
He does not think he does things wrong but that I am just crazy because I complain about things.

I want to get Sara through high school before doing anything rash. She will be a freshman next year.
I think a divorce would affect her worse than TC.
I don't want to be a statistic and become divorced, I just want things to change.

My sister's husband does not help her either and she feels how I feel, we love them but we are tired. We are good women and we work hard at home and at work. We just want some help.
Women who work away from the home totally get this. Her husband was off yesterday and in town and she asked him to get her a burrito and he acted an ass! Told her he had things to do and he wasn't going to get her anything! Asshole! They have been married 19 years.

Zephra, I remember you saying you went on strike once. And that it did not work.
Sometimes I just don't say anything about needing help, because when I do, things don't change anyway.

Some days I feel helpless. If it were only me, I would have been gone a long time ago, but it is not just me.

Monday, March 1, 2010

I'm all out of love

Well, if you read my living in tx blog you will see how my week went last week.
Go here to read about it.

I came home yesterday and lost my shit on the Hubs.
I mean, HELL, he has laid in the damn bed for 4 days and as usual I am the one handling everything.

I took the kids to my sister's and come home and started cooking. Hubs thinks he has to come in the kitchen to supervise me. I asked him was his nut any better and his reaction, "Well, I think I need surgery."
Fuck me.
He is not even on day 4 of the antibiotics and it is a 7 day prescription.
I totally lost it and told him. I told him how stressed out I am.
How he never feels good and he never helps me do anything, even take out the trash.
How he wants sympathy 24/7 and I have nothing left to give after taking care of everything that has to be done around the house.

His reaction, "Well, I don't like feeling bad either."

I am so over him having something wrong with him all the fucking time! I really am!

I daydream about being by myself.
Living by myself with the kids.
Is this how love is supposed to be??
Because I am not feeling the love lately.