Marriage

I have been watching a lot of Netflix movies. I watched a documentary today called "the farmer#s wi*fe" and it was very interesting. In this film there was a couple who had married young and began farming right away. They started a family right away as well.

After they were married a few years, the weather caused their crop to be bad, for years. They continued to struggle and their marriage suffered as well. He was a very very hard worker. And she cleaned houses 2 days a week while her older two kids were in school. She was bitter about having to work and not be a stay at home mom. Needless to say, most of his thoughts were about the farm but he also worked a full time job on the side so they could afford to eat! They had no clue about finances but finally she started learning about the farm finances once they were about to lose everything. She also started school in order to get an associates in business.

The thing is through the entire documentary she blamed him for her not being able to be a stay at home mom. She was upset he was so fixated on the farm. Her family members(brothers and sisters) were highly successful and were not happy about her being so poor and they let her know it all the time. The more she listened to them, the more she began to be negative towards her husband. He went to counseling with her because she wanted him to and their marriage did get better.
For awhile.

I read (after I watched this documentary) that they got divorced shortly after it aired. It made me a little sad. Not only for them but for their kids as well. I think they really loved each other but finances and things that were said had taken their toll.

Anybody who is married, or has been married, knows it is hard. Sometimes I lose my shit on my husband. He has a lot of health problems, mainly his back. His last MRI showed cracks in his lower vertebrae. Where this woman got frustrated because her husband did not spend enough time with his kids, I feel the same way but for completely different reasons. My husband cannot physically do a lot due to his back, and her husband was breaking his back to try to make a go of the farm and also work a full time job. To me he was quite a man but she always wanted more. Yet I know how hard it is to have financial problems.

Hopefully they are both in a much better place with their new spouses..both have remarried. He is still farming and she is working for the farm tax department. I guess what I am saying is we all have our battles and it is up to us how to deal with them. My husband and I are doing well and I am receiving more understanding from him on how I feel. I am also less stressed because I am home full time (for now) and I have free time just to do what I want for a change!!

We will see what the future holds, sometimes we just never know.

Marriage and Death

Things are better.

Hubs is making an effort.
We will see what happens.

Dealing with a death in the family right now so I am just going to be there for my brother and his kids. His ex wife passed this morning and she was only 33.

Up in the air

I just wanted to say that I know I go back and forth on my marriage!
My husband is perfectly happy if his world is okay. He shows me love all the time, but he is just lazy as hell.

I am not a quitter. I do not want a divorce. I want things to change.
I have suggested counseling but he refuses.

What am I supposed to do??
He does not think he does things wrong but that I am just crazy because I complain about things.

I want to get Sara through high school before doing anything rash. She will be a freshman next year.
I think a divorce would affect her worse than TC.
I don't want to be a statistic and become divorced, I just want things to change.

My sister's husband does not help her either and she feels how I feel, we love them but we are tired. We are good women and we work hard at home and at work. We just want some help.
Women who work away from the home totally get this. Her husband was off yesterday and in town and she asked him to get her a burrito and he acted an ass! Told her he had things to do and he wasn't going to get her anything! Asshole! They have been married 19 years.

Zephra, I remember you saying you went on strike once. And that it did not work.
Sometimes I just don't say anything about needing help, because when I do, things don't change anyway.

Some days I feel helpless. If it were only me, I would have been gone a long time ago, but it is not just me.

Marriage and its bumps

I have considered counseling for me, my hubby refuses to go.

Let me say I am a huge communicator. I want to work problems out with my husband. That is why I sat down and talked to him last night.

I hope I got through, we talked for over an hour.
I told him how he made me feel and he acknowledged it and apologized.

I know that I am hard on people but I expect things from my husband.
I want him to be present and accountable and apologize when he is wrong.

I don't think that is too much to ask for.

We have had a long road together.
We only dated 3 months before marrying.
Lots of baggage from our childhood.
He was an alcoholic before we married and he has not gone backwards, not one time.

He has Mama issues.... his Mom is a whole 'nother story.
She had him at 14.
I know she loves him but she does not even see our kids unless we go to her house.
She has pets and TC is allergic but I do try to make an effort.
I am doing better!!

His Dad was killed in a motorcycle accident before we met.
They were very close but his Dad was "not right" after an accident in the army.
He introduced Hubs to alcohol at 9 years old.

Don't get me wrong blogger friends, my husband is a good man.
But he drives me fucking insane a lot of the time.

I will keep trying.
Because I love him.
And I love our kids.
And we have a good life, we really do.

I never imagined I could have all I do. And be happier than I ever thought possible.

This is just another bump in the road and we will get past it.

Cowboy Take Me Away is playing on my MP3 right now.
It makes me think of my past.

Some days I wish I could go back to the times when my husband and I were madly in love. I watch home videos of when Sara was around 3 years old and oh my gosh, we were so in love.

I love him.
I truly do.

But things in our marriage have not been easy.

We married after 3 months of dating. We were so crazy in love.

There were things I didn't know about him.

I found out he hadn't filed taxes for 2 years which resulted in a payment plan to the IRS.
I was making around $5.40 an hour and he was making not much more than that.
I was pregnant with Sara at the time.

I was fiercly independent and his Mom hated that we married so soon.
She would bring boxes of food over until she finally "got it" that he would get fed.
And he did get fed well!!

He would tell her things about me and I knew she did not like me much.


He had his first major surgery when I was pregnant with TC.
He had a tumor in his leg.
I was 8 months pregnant and stayed overnight in the hospital.
The nurse kicked me out of the room and I slept in the waiting room, scared to death.
He was hurting and made me cry, he was very irritated and I was very sensitive.
It was pretty horrible.

Once we were home,
I had to hold everything together, work, plus take Sara to her activities at school.
With no help from any family whatsoever.

Then after TC was born, hubs started having back problems.
And it has been going on for the last 8 years.
Several procedures and back surgeries and time off and sick days.
For him.
And most of the time he is sick with one thing or another.
Right now it is his teeth...which I have told him to go to the dentist for the last several years and he didn't. Finally I made him an appointment and he has over $2200 worth of work needing to be done. And I am about to be unemployed.

It has been hard. And through it all, I have worked and held it together.
I know I am strong.

But some days I want to be weak, you know??
Some days I want to be the one who rests while someone else takes care of things.
The cooking, cleaning, bills, kids, taxes, car repairs, outside work, and more.

Sometimes I just get sad.

He says I am too loud but I think I have to be independent and speak my mind.
My life has not been easy and I had to learn so much the hard way. I was on my own at 17.
I got taken advantage of. I refuse to NOT speak my mind.
If not, everything would probably fall apart.

And some days I long for the days when he was in good shape. I wish he felt better.
I wish I didn't feel so alone some days.

Sometimes I long for the beginning.
It was really fantastic.

I pray that we can make it. Some days I have my doubts.
I do my very best because I love my babies too and they need us both.

And maybe it's just that I am on my period today and maybe tomorrow will be better.
But I miss those young fools who were so deeply in love.
I really do.

Ch ch changes

I am conciously making changes in my marriage. I am not jumping down my husband's throat every time he says or does something I disagree with. I am thinking before I speak... and I am not yelling everytime I get angry.

Don't get me wrong, I am not perfect, and I do still get mad and raise my voice, but I think more about what I want to say before I just say it.

My husband is trying harder too and I tell him what I need instead of staying pissed because he doesn't KNOW what I need him to do. When I ask him, he does the things I need him to do.

I am trying to be more intimate. I try to hug and kiss my husband more. I text him throughout the day just to let him know I love him. I drive home with a smile on my face, ready to see him. I feel a sense of calmness that I have not felt in a long time.

I feel happy.

OMG

Do I ever post here anymore?
I guess only when I want to bitch about my husband.

Have you ever watched that show "Hoarders"? That show is a hot mess. Can you imagine living with thousands of pounds of trash all around you?? UGH. That show makes me want to go scrub something. And you KNOW those houses stink. Ewwwww.

Things are really going good at my house. I have tried to think before I speak and hold myself accountable for my actions but I let hubs know I am not taking any shit from him neither. Some days I imagine what it would be like if I were single. But then I think I would probably have to work 2 or 3 jobs and Sara would be raising TC, and how fair is that??? So I am trying and making an effort and so is he.

Marriage is hard as hell. Hubs and I both had rocky upbringings and not the best role models when it came to relationships. We are trying but dysfunction creeps in a lot. I realize it too. So I guess that is a good thing because I want to change it.

Update

Update on the husband thing:

I came home yesterday and after I had a bath, he wanted some nookie.
I told him it will probably be awhile before I am ready to have sex.
I am still hurt over the things he said.

He said, "You said some hateful things to me Kristi."
And I said, "I was only telling you how I felt. I don't want to keep doing this with you over and over. It is wearing me out."

Josie, (sophie), I thought about what you said, but I haven't made that list yet. The thing is, I know my husband loves me and I know I love him.

But like I told him, "You have a lot of insecurities and I can't fix you. I can't."
Well, I guess he really got to thinking about some things because he woke me up at midnight and wanted to talk.
(I was not happy about this!!)
But he said he is worried that one day he is going to come home and I won't be there.

I told him that I am coming to him to try and work things out and I am not giving up on our marriage, but some things need to change.
I mentioned how he always wants me to change who I am, be less LOUD and not yell so much. But he doesn't want to do the things to help me have less stress in my life.
I have made it easy for him.
I handle my business, I am independent to a fault.
I will NOT ask anybody for help EVER.

I told him I watched my Mom be with sorry ass men, one being my stepdad Richard, who she followed around like a puppy.
She let my stepdad bring us to Dallas and we had nothing.
We had nowhere to go.
We were homeless.

I refuse to be that way.
I will have my life, my independence and I don't have to ask him for permission about what friends I can have.
I am coming home to him and the kids and I live for them.
But I also have to have some part of me feeling alive and excited about new things (i.e., school).
Just because I am married does not mean I am not an individual.
I refuse to lose myself in a man.

It is my responsibility to teach my daughter a different way, different than what I was taught.

So I guess things are better. But I am simply exhausted. Relationships are so much work!

Nobody is perfect

I am not going to post about my husband today.
We have all established he can be an ass.

My sister is talking to me again. One good thing about all of this happening with Billy is that she opened her eyes and saw that regardless of the stuff she read in my TX blog, I am the one who has been here for her for many years.

No relationship is perfect.
No marriage is perfect either.
If people say they have the perfect marriage, they are lying.

Marriage takes work.
Friendships take work.
And that work should not be one-sided.