Wednesday, October 28, 2009

I am trying

Gosh, I haven't posted on here in awhile. Is nobody blogging or reading blogs anymore??? I myself do a lot of browsing but not a lot of commenting.

So we got our new bed and we like it!!
I started 2 new classes, one is Science and Nutrition and I have to log what I eat. OY!!
I am trying to eat better.
I just had a cucumber for snack.

I brought tuna fish for lunch, with an apple and granola bar. I drink 2 to 3 bottles of water a day. I have been walking daily for 3 weeks now. I also brought celery sticks with low fat peanut butter for an "after walk" snack. I tend to get hungry about 3:00 pm.

I just want to feel better and be here for my kids and I am not looking for a huge weight loss. I know I will eat things I shouldn't but I can make small changes and try to do better!!!

So that is what is going on with me. I have noticed my attitude is improved too.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


Update on the husband thing:

I came home yesterday and after I had a bath, he wanted some nookie.
I told him it will probably be awhile before I am ready to have sex.
I am still hurt over the things he said.

He said, "You said some hateful things to me Kristi."
And I said, "I was only telling you how I felt. I don't want to keep doing this with you over and over. It is wearing me out."

Josie, (sophie), I thought about what you said, but I haven't made that list yet. The thing is, I know my husband loves me and I know I love him.

But like I told him, "You have a lot of insecurities and I can't fix you. I can't."
Well, I guess he really got to thinking about some things because he woke me up at midnight and wanted to talk.
(I was not happy about this!!)
But he said he is worried that one day he is going to come home and I won't be there.

I told him that I am coming to him to try and work things out and I am not giving up on our marriage, but some things need to change.
I mentioned how he always wants me to change who I am, be less LOUD and not yell so much. But he doesn't want to do the things to help me have less stress in my life.
I have made it easy for him.
I handle my business, I am independent to a fault.
I will NOT ask anybody for help EVER.

I told him I watched my Mom be with sorry ass men, one being my stepdad Richard, who she followed around like a puppy.
She let my stepdad bring us to Dallas and we had nothing.
We had nowhere to go.
We were homeless.

I refuse to be that way.
I will have my life, my independence and I don't have to ask him for permission about what friends I can have.
I am coming home to him and the kids and I live for them.
But I also have to have some part of me feeling alive and excited about new things (i.e., school).
Just because I am married does not mean I am not an individual.
I refuse to lose myself in a man.

It is my responsibility to teach my daughter a different way, different than what I was taught.

So I guess things are better. But I am simply exhausted. Relationships are so much work!

Monday, October 19, 2009

Marriage vent, feel free to skip

My 401 K loan FINALLY came on Saturday.

I drove to my work to wait on it. But hubs called me twice being a DICK ( he kept saying they had lied to me and it wasn't coming and why did I have to drive to my job and on and on and on), so I just left. As soon as I got into our town, my coworker called and said it was here. I went ahead and drove home, everybody got ready and we came BACK to my job to pick up the check.

We took the kids to Wally World and then to lunch. At the chinese place where we ate, hubs made a comment about how polite the little waitress was, how nice and quiet. So much unlike me. (this is how he would LIKE me to be)

We came home and I started working on a homework assignment.

Hubs went to the bedroom to watch a movie.
Sara sat on the couch watching tv and TC asked her for a bowl for his chips.
She continued to ignore him, and she didn't know I KNEW because I had earphones in. But I heard him ask her 4 times and she ignored him.
Finally I turned around and screamed, "SARA! Get him a bowl PLEASE!! Jeez, he asked you no less than 4 times and you ignored him."

You would think hubs would come out but he stayed in the room for over two hours and ignored my outburst.

When he finally came out, he made a nasty comment that he is tired of my school stressing me out so much and why couldn't I just CALM DOWN?? And I was pissed off at his comment.

Let me say I am not one of those nagging wives who asks him to help around the house. Typically he does not help and I have realized he won't ever help me like I feel he why bring it up and fight about it?? And no, he rarely does the outside work such as mowing, etc.. I do that too!
N-E ways, we had it OUT.
The kids were outside. They did not hear it.

But I told him since he is constantly saying how I should change, then maybe he should not be with me, just divorce my ass. Maybe he should pack his crap and leave. I am who I am.

I feel I have changed a lot in this marriage. I don't drink, I don't go out, all I ever do is have lunch occasionally with a girlfriend. I take control of the household bills, chores, anything to do with the kids. I do it all. And I don't bitch about it. But I am tired of him saying how I should be a certain way. How I should not yell, or raise my voice, or be more quiet in public.

I know how to act in public. I am not one of those white trash acting women who acts like everybody should hear EVERYTHING she says. I know how to act.

Do I lose my cool sometimes? Hell yeah.
Am I perfect? Hell no.

But my family is my world and I do get tired of reassuring him about my love, loyalty, etc. I have done this for 15 years and I am tired.
Tired I tell ya.

He did not leave.
But we really didn't talk much after that.
Sunday I got up and went to Sonic to get lunch.
Then I came home, ate, and left to buy groceries. I asked him did he want to go and he said, "do you want me to go?"
I asked again, "Do you want to go?"
And he said, "I guess not."

I came home and finished an assignment and then took the kids to the park.
He stayed in the bed all day long.

I came home from the park and we talked. I told him we are so different. I love to be around people, I love taking the kids to places. I want to live life, not stay holed up in the bedroom 24/7.
We are trying to work it out but I am just TIRED AS HELL and I feel as if this marriage is becoming a broken record.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

My husband and his crazy ideas

Well, since Billy's passing, a lot of things have been going wrong.
Financially we needed some cash and FAST.
I decided to take a 401 K loan out.
It works.

I pay the money back with my paycheck and I have done loans before.

So my husband, being the greedy ass that he is, has already decided he is joining the gym.
With some of the 401 K money.

Mind you, we have a treadmill at home.
We have 4 acres of land, a basketball goal, pool...plenty of ways to get exercise.
None of which he takes advantage of.

I mentioned that I have been walking on my break at work and now all of a sudden, he wants to join the gym.

What the fuck ever.

We need to fix our road, my car has some front end thing going on, we need to catch up on a few bills, we plan on buying a new bed, and birthdays and Christmas are coming up.

And no, I am not spending all of the money. It is only a few thousand, and it will go fast.
I plan on socking back some of it. Being a homeowner, I know that things can go wrong and I don't want to be flat busted if things DO go wrong.

I told him we can pay for one month and I will see how many times he goes to the damn gym. I bet he goes about 3 times, IF that many. Just like with anything new, he will like it for about 5 minutes, then throw it down and walk away.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009


So yeah, I mentioned that I was talking to my sister again.

Well, this college algebra is kicking my ass.
So my niece was over here one day and she said, "oh Aunt Kris, I have a calculator that figures all that for me."
I told my sister that my niece told me about this calculator.
My sister said she had to buy my niece a new one.
Then she found her old one.
So she has 2 calculators.
My sister said, "Anytime you need to borrow it, let me know."
And I said, "I may want to use it to do my final, it is in a few weeks."
And she said, "no problem!"

So tonight, I called her and said, "I am so glad you are letting me use that calculator, I am so stressed about algebra."
And she replied,"Well, yeah, you can use it, but don't leave it down for anybody to tear it up."

I was like "Huh?? What do you mean?"
And she said, "Oh, well, please take care of it because it was expensive. Don't let your kids tear it up."


I told her, "Well, never mind. I can figure it out on my own, after all I am in week 7 of a 9 week class."


I just got quiet after that and she said she had to go.

But I am pissed.

And I think the problem is that she wanted me to buy one of the calculators from her but I won't because I am almost done with my class and why should I BUY a calculator from her when my niece has 2 of them???

And I am pissed that she insinuated that TC was going to break the damn calculator. TC is not destructive.
Oh am I ever pissed.
I feel like I have been slapped in the face.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Cheater cheater pumpkin eater

I love Facebook.

I have reconnected with some old friends.
One of the friends I knew back in high school. I have talked to her a few times since we moved into our new house.
The thing is, before Hubs and I got together, I dated her brother.
And her brother was an asshole. He cheated on me and things did not end well.
I started dating the hubs and I kicked the ex (Matt) to the curb.

N-E ways, I got in contact with this old friend and I told her I will be off next week and that we should have lunch. Let me say that we NEVER talk about her brother Matt...NEVER. She never mentions his name and neither do I.

I just told Hubs about my friends and my lunch plans. And he flipped the hell out. He didn't like the idea of me hanging out with my exes sister. I was like, "Hubs, we have been married 15 years. That guy treated me like shit. Why would I even think about talking to him, much less doing anything else?"


I told Hubs that I understand where he is coming from but that I don't have any intentions of talking about the ex or doing anything shady.

Hell, if I was, I wouldn't have told Hubs about my lunch plans at all. I might be a lot of things but I am honest and I don't lie about my intentions. EVER.

We all have a past. When you live in a small town, usually you will have exes in that town. He says he trusts me and that it is not about me, but if he trusts me, why would he even go there??