Funny but true

So yesterday my husband said something to me he thought was funny. It wasn't! I told him I hope he can figure out how to suck his own *ick because I won't be doing it anymore! This photo was funny and goes with my story so I had to share!

Started out shitty, ended up funny

Oh my God. My husband pissed me off so bad today.
I wanted to punch him in his face for real.
He is such a dick, I swear.
He was mad because he wanted sex BUT we made plans with the in-laws to have lunch at their house...so he was not getting sex right before we left. He was pissed at me and I was so mad that I didn't speak to him the whole way. Once we got there, I told him to stay away from me and he told me to not talk to him.

My reply, "No problem, asshole."

Luckily the men left after lunch to go look at guns and they even took TC. So my sis in law came and brought her girlfriend and we played Taboo. Sara was there too.

My sis in law asked did hubby still have his handcuffs?
I almost spit my drink out.
I said, "Amber, I don't think you need to ask me those questions with your Mom, my mother in law sitting right here!"
Then she busted out laughing and said, "Oh, I meant his numchucks!"

That was fricking hilarious.

Then, I had to try to get my team to guess the word "cockroach". I got them to answer the roach part, then I said, "Okay, this is another part of the word...and Amber's g/f said "COCK!"

O M G, y'all, I died laughing and almost fell out of my damn chair.
My mother in law does not talk about sex EVER.
And I am pretty sure she does not ever say the word cock either!

That was priceless.
And it put me in a great mood!

But my husband is still a jackass!

Little Ralphy

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 1)
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Ralphy. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little RALPHY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which Little RALPHY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)
Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father? "The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x3,'" I said "6", replies RALPHY. "But that's right!" says his dad. "Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'" "What's the f...... difference?" asks the father. "That's what I said!"

LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH
Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" RALPHY says "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful." Little RALPHY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR
Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPH Y, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but ifyou had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in t h e same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully." She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY. "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!'"

LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER
Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Little RALPHY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Little RALPHY answered, "No, he minded his own f....... business. I LOVE Little RALPHY!!!!!

So far today

This morning has been eventful.

I woke Hubs up for a little sumpin' sumpin'. I was in a bad way. Not giving up the pussy is hard work..LOL.

TC called me a bitch on the way to daycare. Once he got out, I popped his butt. He told me, "Mom, you need to brelax (relax)!

When the lady at daycare greeted him saying "Good Morning Tony," his reply was, "Whatever."

I talked to my sister who said her husband pissed her off so bad that she almost knocked his ass out with the iron. I told her she should threaten to iron his dong. We had a good laugh over that one!

A coworker is going around taking everybody's sugar levels, mine was fine, and blood pressure, mine is still high but I go back to the Dr. this week so we may have to try a new medication.

My boss is being her usual stupid self. God some days I want to go postal on her ass.