Cowboy Take Me Away is playing on my MP3 right now.
It makes me think of my past.

Some days I wish I could go back to the times when my husband and I were madly in love. I watch home videos of when Sara was around 3 years old and oh my gosh, we were so in love.

I love him.
I truly do.

But things in our marriage have not been easy.

We married after 3 months of dating. We were so crazy in love.

There were things I didn't know about him.

I found out he hadn't filed taxes for 2 years which resulted in a payment plan to the IRS.
I was making around $5.40 an hour and he was making not much more than that.
I was pregnant with Sara at the time.

I was fiercly independent and his Mom hated that we married so soon.
She would bring boxes of food over until she finally "got it" that he would get fed.
And he did get fed well!!

He would tell her things about me and I knew she did not like me much.


He had his first major surgery when I was pregnant with TC.
He had a tumor in his leg.
I was 8 months pregnant and stayed overnight in the hospital.
The nurse kicked me out of the room and I slept in the waiting room, scared to death.
He was hurting and made me cry, he was very irritated and I was very sensitive.
It was pretty horrible.

Once we were home,
I had to hold everything together, work, plus take Sara to her activities at school.
With no help from any family whatsoever.

Then after TC was born, hubs started having back problems.
And it has been going on for the last 8 years.
Several procedures and back surgeries and time off and sick days.
For him.
And most of the time he is sick with one thing or another.
Right now it is his teeth...which I have told him to go to the dentist for the last several years and he didn't. Finally I made him an appointment and he has over $2200 worth of work needing to be done. And I am about to be unemployed.

It has been hard. And through it all, I have worked and held it together.
I know I am strong.

But some days I want to be weak, you know??
Some days I want to be the one who rests while someone else takes care of things.
The cooking, cleaning, bills, kids, taxes, car repairs, outside work, and more.

Sometimes I just get sad.

He says I am too loud but I think I have to be independent and speak my mind.
My life has not been easy and I had to learn so much the hard way. I was on my own at 17.
I got taken advantage of. I refuse to NOT speak my mind.
If not, everything would probably fall apart.

And some days I long for the days when he was in good shape. I wish he felt better.
I wish I didn't feel so alone some days.

Sometimes I long for the beginning.
It was really fantastic.

I pray that we can make it. Some days I have my doubts.
I do my very best because I love my babies too and they need us both.

And maybe it's just that I am on my period today and maybe tomorrow will be better.
But I miss those young fools who were so deeply in love.
I really do.